Harry Potter the high Lord!
by Pseudonominal
Summary: Crack-Fic! Stoner!Harry Idiot!Ron: Harry finds an alternative method to deal with personal loss! Starts out as Harmony, will become Harem! Will contain mild inter-harem Fem!Slash! This is silly nonsense, you've been warned! Unbetaed! Raw! and Uncensored!
1. The high Lord Potter!

A/N: Crack-Fic! This is all silly nonsense! Turn away now! Still reading? Fine. This is my random AF Story. Read only if you like silly stories where people abuse loads of drugs and still managed to get the hang of their lives by sheer dumb (or semi informed) luck.

For the time being, this story will not be betaed. It's all just for fun, so read only if you can deal with ze heavy gerrrman aczzent XD. If this will develop into a regular thing and you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.

**Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.**

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.

* * *

When Harry had returned from his fifth year at Hogwarts, he was in terrible shape. His godfather had died, the girl he secretly loved had been severely hurt and all because of him.

His relatives had left him alone for a couple of days and, while he normally enjoyed any respite from them, he now felt utterly alone. He searched the house for any and all methods to alleviate the pain inside of him, but nothing helped.

After using a razor blade to cut himself, the pain didn't get smaller, he just added a physical dimension to it. Booze from Vernon's liquor cabinet helped short term, but the next day was just as bad as the razor thing. Masturbation to Dudley's porn magazines and tapes helped a little, but was equally short lived and repeating this often enough made his dick hurt. He had found pills in his cousin's room and deciding that he had nothing to lose, swallowed one. He had sat the remainder of the day in one corner of the living room, with a big knife in his hand, worried that 'THEY' would come and get him.

After swallowing a different one, he had desperately tried to make love to the fluffy rug in his aunt and uncle's bedroom. He awoke a few hours later with carpet burns on his knees and balls. Under Dudley's bed he finally found a plastic baggy with some green, resin encrusted flower buds. He recognized it from the drug awareness lesson they had in primary school. After a bit of digging he also found his cousin's bong and decided that the garden was as good a place as any for this experience.

He took everything there, loaded a big fat bowl and smoked it. The first time he inhaled, his lungs burned and he had to cough for a while, but he quickly got used to it.

He came to one realization.

Being high is fucking amazing!

While he sat there and enjoyed the green of the garden around him. He came to a couple of interesting conclusions. He noticed that the Dark Lord Voldemort had fucked up the first half of his live royally. The Light Lord Dumbledore, had screwed up the second half. What the fuck was wrong with them, couldn't they see how relaxed live could be, if you didn't try to kill each other.

Maybe it was time for him to change stuff around. And to be compliant to this entire Lord thingy, he would become neither a dark one, nor a light one. He would become a high one.

Harry Potter the High Lord. That had a nice ring to it. He broke into hysterical laughter at the thought. Then he got really hungry, like really fucking hungry.

After he had raided the fridge, he tried to think of ways to accomplish his goal. It was hard, man. He came to the conclusion that he needed help. After all, both Voldemort and Dumbledore had followers, but who to recruit first.

He thought of Ron, but he'd only be jealous of Harry being the lord instead of himself. Nope the first follower, Harry thought, should be a girl. Clever and nice to look at.

"Hermione, sure I'll call her."

He went over to the phone and didn't even think about entering the call into the small book his uncle had set up. He was now the high Lord and you didn't need to concern yourself with such things then. He dialled Hermione's number and waited for her to pick up.

"Granger Residence." A female voice answered. Almost Hermione, older! Her mother probably.

"Hello Mrs. Granger, this is the hig...eh Harry Potter speaking. Could I talk to Hermione, please."

A small pause, then the voice continued quite a bit cooler than before. "I'll see if she wants to talk to you."

Harry frowned, why wouldn't Hermione want to talk to him? Ohh...They probably knew that he had gotten her hurt. Bummer.

A few seconds later, Hermione picked up the phone. "Harry is that you?"

"Hi Hermione, eh sorry...about the injury and stuff, y'know."

"It's okay Harry, it wasn't your fault."

"Well I sure hope that your parents are of the same opinion."

"Maybe not. I don't care either way. It's not your fault."

"OK, well, I wanted to ask you two things."

"What did you want to ask."

"I forgot, but would you like to come over? The Dursley's have gone on a short trip and left me at home. So?"

"Sure I would love to come over. Just give me the address and I'll look up what bus, train or subway I have to take."

Harry quickly told her and, not knowing how long it would take her, went back to the garden to smoke some more. After that he ate some more and then he went inside to relax in front of the TV.

He pushed a tape in the VCR and tore open a bag of crisps, some time throughout the movie he fell asleep.

* * *

Upon being woken by the doorbell, he couldn't even tell you what he had watched. Stumbeling for the door, he opened it and in front of him Hermione stood.

"Hey Hermione fancy seeing you in this part of town, would you like to come in?"

A bit confused Hermione stepped into the Dursley home.

"Are… are you feeling alright Harry?"

"Me, sure I feel better than I have in years. I found something, some… ehhh … you know the small green ones, that you put in the glass thingy… no?… Well I'll best show you then."

Harry led his visitor into the back garden and pointed to the plastic bag and bong that were still on the bench.

"Oh my god, Harry, is that what I think it is…!?"

This question puzzled Harry to no end. 'How shall I know what she thinks?' He quickly thought of using legilimency on her to find out, but realized he had no idea how that stuff worked. 'I should find out how to, seems to be useful.'

"I don't know what you're thinking Hermione and Legilimency is out, so care to share those thoughts with me?" He asked smiling widely.

"Is this Marihuana? You know weed, pot … drugs Harry?"

"Oh, now I get it… yep, they are… I mean it is."

"Since when are you taking drugs?"

Harry quickly started counting on his fingers. "Couple of days, three or so."

"Oh, Harry, you really shouldn't do that."

"Why not? I mean, have you ever tried that stuff before. I mean, like the pills and stuff, man that's evil… but this, it's nature and great, so it's probably even healthy or so." He quickly thought back to when his aunt would tell Dudley to eat his greens because they were healthy. So if you could eat them, why not smoke them? Probably had the same effect anyway.

"Harry!" Hermione stood in front of him waving her hand before his face.

"Yeah?"

"Were you even listening to me?"

He looked at her hard and long. "Nope."

"Harry, I can't let you do this to yourself. These drugs might ruin your life and health."

Harry barked a laugh at this, albeit a sarcastic one. The effects of the weed were wearing off.

"You really think so Hermione. You really think there is much left to ruin. Something that hasn't been ruined by all of those fuckers."

He made sweeping arm gestures and then started to count on his fingers.

"Pettigrew, Voldemort, the fucking Dursley family… yes all of them and even bloody Dumbledore as well. I was fucked over from birth. And it only went downhill from my first birthday. I was beaten and starved. Neglected and abused. Famed only to be used as a scapegoat. I try to save a man and get him killed. I love you and got you hurt."

By this point Harry didn't notice what he had blurted out, not that he cared any more. Hermione however had heard every word.

Harry watched as the girl in front of him, blushed prettily and lowered her gaze.

"But Harry, I only worry about you, don't you understand. I want you to deal with your emotions in a healthy way, I don't think the drugs are going to do that for you."

"Have you ever tried it? Have you? This stuff is amazing. For the better part of my life, I was a nervous wreck." He waved her upcoming complaint away. "Sure I've done some heroic things in the past." He was way past his usual self imposed humbleness. "But being heroic is easy, when you have nothing much left to live for and everything to lose when you don't."

He went over to the glassware on the bench loaded the bowl and held it out to her. Hermione hesitated. Her natural curiosity screamed at her to take it, but her obedient nature forbade it.

Harry could see her struggle, it was evident on her face. She was looking at him, her head slightly lowered and softly chewed on her lip. He decided to help her along.

"You were the one who told me that I had to try stuff, for me to know if I like it or not."

Closing her eyes for a moment, Hermione tentatively reached for the bong. Upon grasping it, her face grew determined.

"Harry, hand me a lighter."

Upon her first inhalation, Hermione was ready to kick herself for smoking. Her lungs were burning like fire. But after a couple of minutes, she was too high to care. She turned to her friend, pressed a soft smooch on his lips and handed him the pipe. She entered the living room, leaving a flabbergasted Harry in the garden.

Harry smoked the rest of the bowl and followed Hermione. He found her on the sofa, munching on the crisps he had left there.

"Hermione?"

She looked at him through half lidded eyes. "Yeah?"

"How'd you like it?"

Reaching around to unclasp her bra, she kept looking at him.

"It's nice." She undid the clasp and pulled the bra from her shirt sleeve. "It's so relaxing, I haven't been this relaxed in… well ever." Throwing her bra over the backrest of the sofa, she giggled. "There that's more comfy."

Hermione looked over at Harry, still giggling, which caused him to lapse into full blown laughter. Following suite, she was soon holding her sides. After about ten minutes of laughing, Harry had to ask.

Between constant fits of giggles, he bit out. "Why are we laughing anyway?"

This proved to be too much for them both and the cycle repeated again.

It was a couple of minutes later still, when they had both calmed down enough to be coherent again. Hermione was back at eating from the bag of crisps.

"I really shouldn't be eating those. " She said, while pulling up her shirt a bit to reveal her belly. Pinching at it a bit, she turned to Harry.

"Look, there's already too much flab on my midsection."

Harry was halfway through his reply, telling her that her midsection looked great, when he noticed something else. It was a thin white line that curved about an inch beside her belly button. It snaked up into her shirt and down into her pants.

Reaching out with a tentative hand, Harry placed a finger on the mark and traced it from above her belly button to just below.

He felt her shiver under his touch and pulled away. "I hope I didn't hurt you."

He looked at her, her eyes were closed and she was biting her lip. Hermione's voice had a husky undertone as she replied.

"Nooohh! It didn't hurt…" She cleared her throat before she continued. "That's my little souvenir from the battle at the ministry. It starts all the way up here…" She pulled at the neck of her shirt, exposing her collarbone, where the beginning of the white line was visible. "...over my chest…" Hermione traced a line over her shirt that went down in between her breasts. "...down my belly…" Her finger traced the line around her belly button. "...and all the way down here." The finger stopped at the hem of her jeans. Gripping it, she pushed pants and panties down by roughly an inch.

Harry quickly noted that, as far as he could see, there was no grass on that hill. He also saw the end of the line just below where the hem of her pants had been. On top of that, watching a girl trace lines over herself like that, made him swallow hard and it made his pants become tight.

"My parents were a bit work after that, didn't want me to return to Hogwarts next term." She sighed. "Is there some weed left?"

They returned to the back garden and lit up the next batch.

Harry had just exhaled a big cloud of smoke.

"We should get Neville to grow this stuff. It would probably be fucking potent by the end. That guy can work with those plants, it's almost like he can talk to them."

Hermione giggled a bit.

"Sure, we just need some seeds, I'm pretty sure he could probably grow them in your dorm or so."

Harry grinned.

"Enchanted suitcase with state of the art greenhouse equipment."

Hermione bit her lip.

"Muggle and magical. You can get muggle tech to work, as long as it's not too advanced."

She had bent forward a bit and Harry was trying his damndest not to look down her shirt.

"Yeah!"

Noticing Harry trying so hard not to look, she decided to give him a treat.

"Hey Harry!"

He turned to fully look at her and with a lightning quick motion, Hermoine pulled up her shirt, baring her chest for a second.

With his mind in shock and his pants now uncomfortably tight, Harry could only gasp until his mind was back in gear again. Hermione, in the meantime, was laughing her butt off, rolling on the couch and holding her sides.

It was this shock that Harry had needed to remember what he had asked Hermione here for.

"Hermione, listen, what I originally asked you here for was, do you want to be my first follower?"

What ever she had expected him to ask, this definitely wasn't it and her face showed it. Harry explained his reasoning to her.

"Look, all the powerful people have this Lord thing going on in the wizarding world. They run around, calling themselves Lord Soandso and get followers to join their cause...or violently oppress them… whatever. I decided to shit all over this system. I will be a Lord, but I won't be light, nor dark...I will be high!"

It took Hermione a moment, especially since she had thought he would ask her to be his girlfriend, but after the meaning hit, she had another laughing fit.

"Okay, that is hilarious. I actually thought you would ask me something else though, oh well…"

Harry thought hard about it. For like three seconds.

"Yeah, can I see your boobs again?"

Rather than being angry, Hermione wanted to play.

"You ask me the right question, you can see them anytime you like."

Smiling, Harry knelt down beside her, took her hand. Hermione got a shocked expression on her face. 'He won't, would he?'

With a solemn face, he looked her in the eye.

"Hermione, we've known each other for five years now. You've grown into a beautiful woman. So please don't be surprised if I ask you…"

He made a pause and took a deep breath.

"... could you please take off your shirt."

Taken aback, Hermione was fumbling for words, until she saw the corners of his mouth twitch.

"Oh you bloody bastard!"

She hit his arm.

Once they had calmed down enough from their hysterics, Harry tried again to find the correct question.

"Hermione, we've been through so much shit together and you always stood by me. No matter what happened you were always on my side. Would you like to be…"

Upon pausing again, he received a sharp look from the girl opposite him.

"Okay, okay, jokes aside. Would you like to be my girlfriend?"

"No."

Harry looked at her with abject horror in his eyes, until he saw the corners of her mouth twitch.

"You fucking tease!"

She started laughing.

"Of course I'll be your girlfriend and your first follower. So where do we go from here my lord." The statement was followed by a coy look.

"First we kiss, then we'll smoke some weed, then you take off your shirt…" She gave him her 'really, Harry' look. "...okay, okay, then we should get into contact with a couple more potential followers."

It took them way longer to reach the second stage than they had anticipated. Their first quick kiss turned into a full blown, not-so-quick make out session. While they managed to keep most stuff on their clothes and all the other stuff in their pants, they were heated, flushed and panting by the time they were done.

They were just chilling in the garden after their smoking session, when the front door opened. Neither of them cared enough to move. Heavy feet made their way up the stairs, while even heavier feet waltzed into the living room.

"Potter!"

The scream rang out simultaneously from the ground and first floor.

Vernon Dursley came to the door leading out to the back garden, Hermione's bra dangling from his finger. Dudley was only seconds behind his father, but rivaling his shade of purple.

"What is the meaning of this!?" Vernon demanded to know.

He now spotted Hermione, Harry resting his head on her lap. Said Potter cracked open one eye and looked at his "caregiver".

"Yo, Vernon my dude, what's got your knickers in a twist?"

Said uncle now spotted the weed on the bench, together with the still smoldering bong.

"Are you taking drugs in my House, Potter? Really, after all these years, I'm still right about your lot. Good for nothing, only stealing what honest people worked so hard for. Now you bring drugs and harlots in here!?"

Dudley, not the brightest candle by a long shot, still got the distinct idea that mentioning that Potter was smoking his pot would be bad news. Instead of doing that, he quickly joined his father's band wagon.

"Yeah, you bringing drugs and whores to my family's place. Shame on you!"

Silently, he was mad and jealous because he had drugs, but never thought of paying girls to visit him.

Harry stood, drawing himself up to his full height… of roughly 5 foot 2. 'Being small sucks, I wonder if there is some potion to make you taller, better ask Hermione later.'

"Now listen, I've been reasonable so far. But I won't stand here and listen to you insulting my girlfriend."

He snatched the bra from Vernon's finger and handed it to Hermione.

Vernon had enough by now, pulling back his meaty hand, he let it connect with his nephews temple.

Harry fell to the ground, his ears ringing and his eyes going in and out of focus. Then he felt something give behind his forehead and heard a very loud scream inside his own head. Suddenly his vision cleared and he could hear normally again, just in time to see Vernon gripping Hermione's arm hard enough to bruise.

"Unhand me this instance you barely civilicised oaf!"

She was struggling against the strong grip. Getting up from the ground, Harry placed his hand on his uncle's, who let go of Hermione with a pained gasp. His skin had blistered where Harry had touched him.

"Two things just happened." Harry said with a smug smile. "First, I cracked wandless magic." He moved his hand over Hermione's bruising arm and healed it.

"You'll be expelled!" Vernon laughed.

"Funny, that's the second thing that happened. I also broke the trace on me. Accio!"

From the cupboard under the stairs, his wand shot straight into his hand.

"This sure is useful. Dear family, it was a pleasure spending the past few years with you, but like all good things it has come to an end."

On their way, Harry stopped shortly next to Dudley.

"I'm taking this with me, but you'll get what I owe you."

He held up the baggy with the rest of weed inside, as well as the bong. His cousin's face lost all color, as his parents eyes now fixed him.

Harry and Hermione collected his things from the cupboard and from his room and left No. 4 for good.

It wouldn't be until the 1st of September that he would reappear to the public.

* * *

Ron Weasley had a bad summer. Harry Potter had just upped and disappeared. He had attacked the family he lived with and fled. The order had been searching for him the entire time, but to no avail.

Now it was time to return to Hogwarts and he hoped that Harry would at least return there.

'Of course he will, being famous is great. Loads of people love him there.'

He had of course not read the newspaper and without Hermione there to keep him updated, he had not been as well informed as he usually would have been.

'Hmm, Hermione, she finally has grown some boobs. I think this year is my year, I'm going to make her my girlfriend and then…'

His musings were cut short, as he entered a compartment that not only housed the object of his affections, but also Harry bloody Potter, who looked like he had not a care in the world.

"H...Harry!?"

"Yo, what's up man?"

"Harry, bloody hell…" He looked over at Hermione, but she didn't even twitch. "...where have you been these past weeks?"

"A bit here, a bit there… I've come around a lot. Hermione knew most of the time, but no one bothered to ask her I guess."

"Wait here, I have to tell the others that you're here."

Ron was out the door before Harry could say anymore.

"Fuck!" Harry cursed. "Why do they all have to barge in at the most inopportune of times?"

Hermione folded the invisibility cloak and placed it beside herself.

"Once the train is rolling, it will quiet down."

Harry sighed, ate a weed brownie and prepared for the onslaught that was sure to come his way.

It was two hours into the train ride, Ron had left for the meeting of prefects, while Hermione hadn't cared enough to join them. Now the meeting was over and he entered the compartment.

* * *

Harry was looking out the window and Hermione was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey Harry."

"Hey."

"Do you know where Hermione is? We're supposed to patrol the train."

"I just know that she's really busy right now." At the end of the sentence, Harry's face contorted slightly.

"Is she doing schoolwork already? We haven't even arrived at the bloody school yet. Are you feeling alright?" Ron asked seeing his friends face contort again.

"Hmm?...Yeah, could...could be school...ehhh… she could be doing this at school yeah...me...I'm great...uhhhh!" Harry's eyes crossed over slightly.

"Well, if you're sure. Could I borrow the invisibility cloak then? You know, spy on Malfoy a bit."

"I… ehhh… the...ahhh… Invisi...si...si...cloak...ehhh...no…" Harry had balled his hands into fists, putting them on the bench beside him.

'Maybe he has indigestion?' Ron thought, not really knowing what symptoms that would entail. "Okay, well later then maybe. If you see Hermione, remind her to do her rounds."

Harry was staring up at the ceiling with crossed eyes and gave his answer in a strangled gasp.

"Will...doooo!"

Ron finally left the compartment with a shrug and Harry felt his zipper being pulled up. Then Hermione took off the invisibility cloak and got up from the ground. She swallowed hard and wiped a droplet into her mouth with a finger.

"Wow, Harry, three times in a row, you sure are glad we took the next step in our relationship. I'd sure like to try and see if you get up to four, but I better go make my rounds."

She threw the cloak at him.

"On second thought, you should return the favor next time, don't you think?"

She scampered out the door, flinging up her skirt so he could get a good look at her panty clad butt.

As Harry sat in the empty compartment, munching on another brownie, he mused about the implication of Hermione's statement. The sudden tightness of his pants shocked him.

"Again!?"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Crack-Fic! If you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.

**Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.**

**Warning2: This chapter contains mention of fem!slash activities, I don't think it's enough to offend anyone yet, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Will add this warning to summery!**

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.

Once Hermione and Ron had returned from making their rounds, the train was already pulling into the station. They had to help herd the first year into the boats by the lake, so Hermione told Harry to go on ahead.

"Here!" She handed him a small envelope. "Just in case I don't get to sneak around tonight."

Hermione left him with a saucy wink. As Harry climbed into one of the not quite horseless carriages, he risked a sneak peak. It contained a fat stack of polaroids, most depicting Hermione in some kind of lingerie. In others she had simply taken off her shirt.

God those pants were tight.

Placing the envelope securely into his pocket, Harry looked up as Neville joined him.

He had been the first Harry and Hermione had recruited after the prison break from Durzkaban. After a short visit, some weed, a quick talk and even more weed, Neville had agreed to be their gardener.

They had all taken the Knight Bus to Amsterdam that day. The magical district of the city holding the secret to the finest seeds and the nicest tech. The Dutch had long since perfected the hybrid of muggle and magical growing equipment.

"Yo, Harry my dude."

They did a complicated fist bump routine. Neville, who had been nervous and insecure from day one, now radiated a healthy amount of self-confidence and calm.

"Yo, Nev ma man! How are things?"

"Pretty good, I tried some new magical fertilizer on the latest batch and they're growing buds as big as my head."

"Whoa man that is some serious harvest we're going to get out of them!"

"Yeah I also managed to try the magical extractor we bought, it yields some really potent shit. I also got a strain growing in a time field, that stuff will be chronic man."

"Awesome Nev, I knew you were the right man for the job."

The Longbottom heir handed a couple handfuls of inconspicuous lollipops to the highest of Lords.

"These should keep you covered, but I gotta warn you, they're really potent. Try one and see how you like it. Three of these should keep you high pretty much around the clock."

Harry was unwrapping one, while they were joined by a third person. Harry looked up and was greeted by the pale round eyes of Luna Lovegood.

'Strange how I haven't thought of her before. She should be one of my followers as well. Now, how do I…'

"Can I have one of those?"

Shocked for a moment, Harry had to think for a second.

"Ehh...Well sure, but well these are...uhh...well different."

"Harry, I have sucked on lollipops before. They weren't much of a challenge for me."

With a shrug he handed over the candy, she would find out soon enough. Luna placed the candy in her mouth and began to suck and lick. With a type of perverted and fascinated curiosity, both boys watched as the younger girl enjoyed her treat.

Said girl however, became more relaxed the longer the ride up to the castle went on. The way she ate her lollipop reminded Harry of Hermione in a strange way. Luna melted into her seat, sliding further down as her skirt rode up, revealing her pink lacy thong.

"Ehhh...Luna?"

Harry wondered why his voice had become so high all of a sudden. She made direct unblinking eye contact to him while twirling the lollipop between her lips. Harry made a mental note to buy wider pants next chance he got.

"Would you...ahh… would you like to be one of my followers? Well, I have this...ehhh…"

As Luna removed the candy from her lips, a tiny dribble of spit stretched from her mouth to the lolly.

"Sure!"

Harry shook his head, breaking away from the fascination the string of saliva held over him.

"Excuse me? I was...ahhh...distracted for a moment."

Again, she focused on his eyes in midlick. Her tongue still wrapped around the lolly, she once more gave it an excruciatingly slow suck, before she answered.

"Sure. I'll be your follower."

The candy disappeared back into her moist orifice, her tongue circling the tip upon entry. Neville gave a strangled gasp with crossed eyes and Harry wondered if some girl had snuck in with an invisibility cloak.

Shaking the thought from his mind, he returned his full attention back to Luna. She was on her back, sprawled over two seats. One of her legs rested on the backrest, the other dangling an inch off the floor.

All in all her underwear didn't leave much to the imagination, only the most intriguing parts.

"Ehhh...but you don't know what being my follower entails."

"No, but I don't need to. I know that this is what I'm supposed to do, so I'll do it. Use me anyway you desire my Lord."

Harry almost lost it then and there, as he watched her break the rest of the lollipop from its stick using her teeth. After producing a strangled gasp, he promised himself to take a cold shower first thing after entering the dorm tonight. A fucking ice cold shower.

The carriage came to a halt and Luna righted herself in her seat. "Can I get another one?"

Harry just shrugged and handed the candy over, while Neville got out, mumbling something about testing the potency again.

* * *

Harry entered the Great Hall, Luna following suite. To his surprise, Luna stuck to his side even as he made his way to the Gryffindor table. To the shock of everyone around, she took the seat beside him.

Professor McGonagall rushed over as soon as she spotted the Ravenclaw at her houses table.

"Miss Lovegood!? Don't you want to join your own house at their table?"

"No, I have to remain at the disposal of my liege."

It was to this scene, that Hermione entered the hall. She sighed, what had Harry gotten himself into now?

"It's not mandatory for students to be seated at their house tables, it's just a custom."

Professor McGonagall was taken aback slightly by her favorite student addressing her like this.

"That's correct, well then Ms. Lovegood may remain, if it's her wish…"

She turned and left for the head table. Hermione let out a sigh and turned to look at Harry.

'You owe me a lot of O's for that, but for now I'd like an explanation…'

Plopping down into the only other free spot beside her boyfriend, she addressed the issue directly.

"Mind telling me, why Luna refers to you as 'her liege'?"

"Well she joined Nev and me in the carriage and took one of the new lollies he made for us." He gestured to Neville, who had taken the seat opposite him.

"You've got new candies, I want one, like right now!"

Slightly intimidated by her forceful whisper, Harry handed her one of the lollipops and continued.

"Well, while she was sucking on the lollipop... " Neville made an indiscernible sound at the thought. "...I asked her if she wanted to be my follower and she didn't even want to know what that meant and immediately agreed."

After he had finished with a shrug, Hermione looked Luna over. The other girl was content sucking on her second lolly. Something in the way she licked the hard candy, made Hermione squirm in her seat.

'I know she's capable as a witch and if she can take one of Nev's candies just like that… well she's grade A follower material.'

"Good thinking Harry, I think Luna will be an invaluable asset to us."

Dumbledore got up at the head table and gave them all some bullshit speech about lurking dangers and shit. Harry rolled his eyes.

"That guy's not happy if he can't be vague as all hell."

Hermione, Luna and Nev started snickering, so did Ron and Ginny. They hadn't really heard what Harry had said, but wanted in on the joke.

While the others flew under the radar, Ron was easily a head taller than most seated around him and was spotted by McGonagall.

After a massive berating by their head of house and getting three weeks of detention for thinking that the imminent war was a laughing matter, he was excluded from the feast and sent to their dorm, where he would get a sandwich("Only one!?") and some juice.

* * *

After the feast, Harry and Hermione made for their dorm. They soon noticed that Luna was trailing them. Harry turned to the petite blonde.

"Listen Luna, don't you want to sleep in your dorm?"

"I should stay close to you, in case you need me."

"Don't you think it would be less conspicuous if you went to Ravenclaw for the nights? Let's meet at breakfast tomorrow, ok?"

Luna shrugged. "Of course my Lord."

"Oh and cut the 'my Lord' part, 'kay."

Luna gave him a wide grin with hooded eyes.

"'Kay."

With that last parting remark, Luna skipped down the corridor. On every second skip, her skirt lifted enough so Harry could see her firm bum and the edges of her lace panties.

Turning back to Hermione, he saw her narrowed eyes a second before she pushed him into an alcove.

"Don't think for a second I haven't seen how you look at her Potter!"

The guttural growl was followed by a sizzling kiss. Her hand wandered down, gripping him tightly.

"And it makes me horny as hell, too bad we don't have more time right now. I have to catch up to the firsties."

Releasing Harry, Hermione pulled him from the alcove out into the hallway, where Harry once more promised himself to take that cold shower.

* * *

The next morning found Harry tired, but satisfied. Hermione hadn't managed to make her way over to his dorm, but he had taken liberal use of her care package and the showers. This alleviated most of the strains and stresses that had built up in his body over that day.

He made his way downstairs to the common room, happy that the first day back was on a weekend. Seeing Hermione nowhere and since it was way past the time she usually got up, he made his way downstairs for breakfast.

Hermione was indeed in the great hall already. So was Luna. They had a basket with them. Upon seeing him, both came over to where he stood at the gate to the entrance hall.

"Good morning, Harry." They chorused.

"Morning, what are you two up to?"

Hermione took the opportunity to cross the last step between them and plant a solid kiss on her boyfriend's lips. Luna copied the older girl. She stood on her tiptoes and to his shock, she pressed her soft lips onto his.

Looking a bit confused, Hermione just smirked at him. He decided to let it slide for the moment and Hermione finally told Harry of their plan.

"It such a nice morning outside, we thought you might fancy a little picnic by the lake."

Bringing her mouth closer to his ear, she finished in a whisper.

"And I thought, since it's a weekend, you might fancy a little wake and bake even more."

She pulled away and patted the basket she was holding.

"That's a fantastic idea!" Harry pulled a weed brownie from his enlarged pants pocket.

Last night, after showering and eating one of Nev's lollipops, he had gotten the most ingenious idea ever, he'd looked up the spell that made the insides of things larger than their outsides.

Applying the spell to the front of his pants gave him some breathing room again and doing the pockets meant he had enough space to carry a small stash of items around with him during the day.

* * *

They arrived at the lake and searched for a particularly nice spot. Behind some shrubbery, they sat on one of the blankets Hermione had brought and wrapped themselves into the other. Sitting there, sandwiched between two warm female bodies, Harry was glad she hadn't thought to bring more than two.

Hermione took his favorite bong from the basket and a nicely filled baggy of Nev's finest.

"Man, you're brilliant Hermione, but introducing Nev to weed must have been your best idea so far. He grows it almost faster than I can smoke it…, well almost…"

He took the offered glassware and lighter. 'This Lord business is great, I should have thought of it sooner...then again I should have raided Dudley's room earlier.'

Just having taken his first hit, he watched as Luna got a lollipop from the basket. One.

She unwrapped the treat and held it out to Hermione, who twirled her tongue around it. Luna then brought the lolly up to her lips and gave it a gentle suck. They kept eye contact with Harry the entire time, who was glad he had made the last minute modifications to his pants last night.

"Girls, Nev made enough of them, you can take one each."

Smiling Hermione replied. "We had a conversation this morning and decided that we would rather share one."

The candy left Luna's mouth, who held it out to Hermione once more. The older girl, with her tongue slightly extended, pushed it all the way in, until her lips brushed Luna's knuckles. Her eyes were glued to Harry's.

"Yeah, you should just relax Harry. You're our Lord, you deserve to relax." Luna told him.

Quickly taking another bong hit, Harry wondered how he could relax, when certain parts of his body would surely remain quite...tense.

He watched the lolly change mouths for ten minutes and had smoked half the bag, when he was quite sure he couldn't take it any longer. Hermione must then have deemed that they had tortured him enough.

"Luna, mind finishing that candy alone? I think I'd like something else now."

Taking the invisibility cloak from her basket, she winked at Harry before throwing it over herself.

Harry spent the next minutes watching Luna enjoy her treat, while Hermione was really, really busy.

* * *

Taking his largest bong from his pocket, Harry watched the sleeping girls before him with a grin. No wonder they were beat. During the second time Hermione had been busy under the cloak, Luna had grown bored and snuck under it as well.

Of course, Hermione had a hard time enunciating her surprise, but if the sounds that followed were anything to go by, she'd enjoyed Luna's ministrations. From there the entire thing had gained some momentum and after his part had been done, the girls had finished each other. Harry for his part was content just watching them play and enjoyed a candy for himself once.

Chuckling he lit up and tried to break his personal record for the largest bong hit. It took him a couple of tries, but he finally made it. Content he leaned back and looked up into the sky.

After watching the clouds move by for a couple of minutes and listening to Luna's cute little snores, Harry suddenly sat bolt upright. He just had THE idea. Fumbling around in his pocket, he grabbed a particularly large brownie. Squinting at it he used his finger to push a couple of dents into the soft, moist cake.

He held the piece of pastry up to his ear and waited for a moment before face palming.

"Of course, god damn muggle tech doesn't work here, going to have to do this the old fashioned way."

Rising from his position, he made his way up to the castle, munching on his 'cell phone' the entire way.

* * *

Wandering through a corridor, Harry had a hard time navigating. He was just looking over his shoulder, when another body slammed into him. Harry quickly landed on his back, with the other person on top of him.

"What the…!?" The voice was female and sounded extremely annoyed.

Daphne Greengrass picked herself up, ready to scream at whatever imbecile had dared to cross her way. That she came face to face with Harry Potter, was not expected.

Potter had a silly smile plastered on his face and heavily hooded eyes.

"Potter? What are you doing down here?"

"Down here?" Harry furrowed his brow in confusion.

With a sigh and a roll of her eyes, Daphne asked him like you would a five year old.

"Yes, down here Potter. You're in the dungeons, what were you doing down here!?"

Slowly she was getting aggravated.

"Oh...I...hadn't even noticed...I was on my way to the com...the commo… the one where we all sit together, you know? Well staircase must have… shifted on me...yeah."

"The Gryffindor common room? And there are no moving staircases down here." She brushed herself off. Bloody Gryffindor had completely ruined her outfit, her hair and make up probably too.

"You need to go upstairs Potter. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Harry had blinked slowly. With his bloodshot eyes he looked pretty sick to her.

"Stairs...hmm right…" He looked to his left and to his right. "You wouldn't know where they've gone?"

She gave him her 'really?' look. To Daphne's neverending surprise, Potter started to dig around in his pockets. After a second he procured a rectangle nicely wrapped in paper. Was that a chocolate bar?

"I'll give you this, and you show me the com...com… the room thing."

How did this idiot Gryffindor know her greatest weakness? She wanted to resist, but knew she had already lost. Snatching the bar from his fingers, she tried to remain composed.

"You're lucky I have nothing better to do. Follow me."

By the time they had reached the staircase, she'd demolished half the bar.

By the time they had reached the entrance hall it was gone.

By the time they had reached the third floor, Daphne started to relax.

"You know Potter, for a Gryffindor, you're not half bad."

"You're not bad either."

Harry was following behind her, fixated entirely on her shapely behind. This reduced the usually so reserved Slytherin to a giggling schoolgirl.

"So Daphne, you wanna be one of my followers?"

* * *

Half an hour later, Harry stumbled through the portrait hole. He struggled to his feet and found Neville in front of the fireplace, fast asleep.

Falling to his knees, he grabbed his friend by the collar and shook him.

"Nev! What the fuck is in those candies you're making!?"

Neville awoke with a start and immediately took in the disheveled appearance of his friend and lord.

"Gosh Harry, what happened to you?"

"What happened to me!? Daphne Greengrass happened to me! After I gave her one of your chocolate bars. She almost drowned me."

Neville saw the torn shirt and the bite and scratch marks underneath it. Harry also had a wet sheen covering his nose and mouth. Sniffing at his friend, Neville had to chuckle a bit.

"And not with kindness, I can tell."

"Whatever you're putting in those candies...It makes all the girls become horny as fuck!"

Harry had released his friend and Neville grabbed his book bag. He was halfway up the stairs to fill it with treats, wanting to put Harry's thesis to the test immediately...for science of course.

"Wait, I had THE idea. I wanted to tell you how we can end this war now."

Neville returned to his friend and helped him to his feet.

"Well, tell me."

Harry concentrated really hard, but alas…

"I forgot, but now that I'm thinking about it, I got an even better one."

"Will it end the war?"

Harry smiled broadly. "No, but we'll laugh our butts off."

Together they went down to the lake to get Hermione's and Luna's help with the plan.

* * *

_That morning in the great hall…_

Hermione had come down with breakfast on her mind, but found Luna already waiting for her at the Gryffindor table. She strolled over to the younger girl, sat beside her and carefully placed the basket she had brought beside her.

"Good morning Luna. You're up early."

The girl in question nodded.

"I knew you would be here and I need to tell you something really important."

"What do you mean, you knew I would be here?"

But Luna waved her comment aside.

"First off, I know you'll say that I'm insane, then you'll tell me that the entire thing is ridiculous, then you'll finally believe me."

Taking a deep breath, Luna launched her explanation.

"I'm a seer, well partial seer, and have foreseen that, for Harry to reach his true potential and to become the highest of Lords, we have to share him."

"You're insane!"

Luna nodded quickly. "And not only that, we have to share him with a lot of other girls and women!"

"Ridiculous! The entire…" Hermione grew quite. After chewing on her lip for a couple of seconds… "Fuck, I believe you now."

Quickly, she grabbed one of Harry's favorite brownies from the basket and started munching on it.

Luna just continued with her explanation.

"Now this is what we have to do…"

* * *

_The present…_

Harry was dragging Neville through another corridor.

"I tell you, the stairs are over there!"

"I know, you keep telling me."

"Then for fuck's sake, tell me why we're going through this god damn corridor!"

"I don't know, I just have the feeling we should be here."

"Yo my Lord."

They had come across Susan Bones, they had recruited her as the third follower. Fourth became Hannah Abbott, as she had been present when they had asked Susan about it. Harry still wondered why Nev had insisted on her. Oh well…

"Hey Susan, you can drop the Lord bit."

"Oh okay Harry. Funny, I just wanted to go looking for you two, do you have something on you? My stash is pretty low, sorry."

"That's okay, at least we know why we're here now."

Harry gestured towards Nev. "Give this loyal follower what she needs. This is an emergency after all."

Nev was meanwhile digging in his book bag. He produced a couple of joints, a blunt and a chocolate bar.

Susan thankfully accepted and agreed to accompany them to the lake.

* * *

Arriving at the lake, they were met by a peculiar sight. Hermione was waving at them, but Luna was lip locked with Daphne Greengrass.

After greeting them all, Harry receiving kiss from each of the girls, he asked how Daphne could be here already.

"Well, Luna got me. She told me that she already knew that I was a follower and to follow her here. Then we grew bored for a bit, Luna said you had an emergency to attend to. Well then we smoked a bit of weed and the rest you just saw."

Harry just shrugged. This type of weirdness just happened too often around him, so he didn't care that much. He gave them all a quick teardown of his plan and everyone joined in on the planning.

An hour later, everyone had something to take care of. Susan and Neville would go and capture pigeons. Hermione needed to write a couple of letters and Luna, together with Daphne, would get some snacks from the kitchens.

Harry himself would need to procure a couple of very specific chemicals. As you had no chemists in the wizarding world, he was in need of a potions master.

* * *

Harry had entered the Dungeons one more time, but this time it had been intentional. Turning a couple of corridors, he came to a halt in front of a familiar door.

After knocking a couple of times, a tired voice answered him.

"Just a moment, I just have to find my pants."

The door opened a crack and showed the face of a tanned, short haired man.

"Sevvy my friend, how's it hanging!"

Harry pushed right past Severus Snape, who looked very embarrassed.

A memory cube projected the sequence of a nacked redhead taking a skinny dip at a pond. Upon closer inspection Harry noticed the girl was his mother.

"Sevvy, Sevvy, Sevvy...you old pervert. But I have to admit, your taste is impeccable."

"What can I do for you my Lord?"

Severus had been the second to be recruited into his ranks. It had taken some convincing, of course, but with the power of weed, it had been simple. They had then talked long about the shit Sevvy had been given by James and his friends. Plus he then had apologized to Harry, so he was okay in his book.

"No need to use honorifics. I need some chemicals and thought you could help me with this. You said you had a solid grip on muggle sciences. By the way, the tan and haircut have done a world of good for you."

"Thanks. Sure, what do you need?"

Harry handed him a piece of parchment.

"What do you need it for?"

The Potter heir told him.

"Just wait here. But I want a copy of that memory."

* * *

Half an hour later, Harry was on his way back to the lake holding two vials in his hand.

He met up with the others and after smoking some weed, casting a couple of imperious curses on a couple of unsuspecting pigeons and smoking even more, their plan was in full motion.


	3. Ius primae noctis

A/N: Crack-Fic! If you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.

Big thank you to **OlegGunnarsson **here on FF for allowing me to use his dialogue in my story, hope you like it.

**Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.**

**Warning2: If you are a particularly sensitive person, I don't know what you are doing here. If you want to read ahead against your better judgement, I can't help you. I'd advise you however to skip the section that is titled**_** The next morning, Gryffindor tower, head boy suite.**_

**This is also true if you don't want to read any fem!slash whatsoever. Consider yourself warned.**

**Also some mentions of slash were unavoidable for humoristic purposes!**

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.

* * *

_Evening, inside Voldemort's temporary evil lair, aka Malfoy Manor:_

Lucius Malfoy was as proud as he could be, after all the Dark Lord had chosen his humble home as his preliminary base of operations. He knocked politely and waited patiently before entering his very own living room, which was now the temporary throne room of his Lord.

His appearance was well received, his master only held him under the cruciatus for a couple of seconds.

"What is it Lucius?"

Malfoy senior got up from the ground and draped his cloak over his arm, so no one would see the stain where he had peed himself. He should have taken a bathroom break before entering the throne room.

"A letter arrived for you Master. It was brought by a carrier pigeon."

Kneeling in front of his Lord, Lucius held out the letter. Voldemort tested it with a couple of spells but all came up negative. Carefully taking the letter, he unrolled it and began to read.

_To my dearest Dark Lord, _

_I'm your most devoted Follower. All I want is to join you and your death eaters in the next raid. It would be so cool if I could join you proper then. With the tattoo and everything._

_If you allow it, please return this letter with a time and place where and when we could meet up._

"Lucius?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Crucio!"

After watching Malfoy flop around for a bit, he lifted the curse.

"What kind of nonsense is this and why are you wasting my time with it?"

What neither of them knew, was that the letter had been soaked with LSD. Slowly but steadily, their skin absorbed the drug. The only problem was, that Lucius had already been holding the letter for quite a while before he delivered it.

"I don't know my Lord, it really seemed important!"

It seemed that the mild compulsion charm on the pigeon had done its work well. That, plus acid, well that was a different kind of magic all on its own.

"Why do I have to surround myself with imbeciles all the time? Crucio, crucio…"

_Roughly one hour later…_

Voldemort had been sitting on his throne, contemplating his plans for dominating the magical world, when a constant itch on his nose distracted him.

Reaching up to scratch it, he came to a horrible realization, his nose was gone! But it couldn't be far, if he was still able to feel the itch.

"LUCIUS!"

The man in question didn't rise from the carpet beside his Lords chair. He just continued to trace the pattern in the rug.

"I'm right here my Lord."

"Where is my FUCKING nose, Lucius?"

Now the elder Malfoy looked at his master.

"My Lord? I..."

Voldemort held up his hand to stop all protests.

"You heard me, both of you! Tell your elves to stop shaking the house and find my nose!"

Lucius came closer, looking at his master's face from all sides.

"Fuuuuck! My Lord, Potter must have taken it!"

"Hmmm...Potter you say?"

Lucius shrugged. "Yes, my Lord, he's usually at fault. He always fouls up your perfect plans!"

"What a dick!"

* * *

_Around the same time, Hogwarts Great Hall:_

Albus Dumbledore was in a particularly good mood today. From his thro...ehh...chair, he could overlook the entirety of the great hall and all the students in it. They had great food in front of them, ohh… and he had just received his latest batch of lemon drops today. He had been careful this time and only eaten 4 before Lunch. He'd even convinced McGonagall to take one.

It started slowly, with a twitch in his face. The corner of his mouth started to move up and down. Strangely, McGonagall had similar problems, her stern eyebrows wiggling up and down.

Then the music started. Harry had bewitched a wizarding wireless to play muggle stations as well and had tuned it to an underground station that played primarily electronic music. Now he wandlessly turned up the volume of the radio hidden in the hall. Slowly the hard beats started to fill the room, echoing from the walls.

Dumbledore noticed the twitching of his face getting worse, but considering how his robes felt on his body, that wasn't to bad. He stood, the beats being too much. He needed to dance.

His body was jerked around, like he was under the imperius curse. His mind was pure pleasure. His soul felt only extacy.

* * *

Harry and the rest of the assembled students watched the proceedings at the head table. They saw their Headmaster get up and jerkily dance to the music that had come from nowhere. A couple of seconds later, his deputy got up as well and joined in.

Their faces were contorting in a most hilarious fashion, especially their mouths were in constant motion. It was only after Dumbledore had started taking off his robes, that the first students left the great hall. The rest left soon after, when he screamed loudly at McGonagall to transform, as he desperately needed 'to pet a pussy'.

McGonagall however was all over Hagrid's beard and fur coat. She rubbed her entire body over him after she had started taking off her clothes too. The embarrassed half giant not knowing how to react, tried to ignore her for the time being. It soon got to be too much for him however and in his panic knocked the elderly professor unconscious.

* * *

_Back at Malfoy Manor, ehh... Voldy's evil lair:_

"LUCIUS!"

Malfoy senior looked up from the floor, where he had been for the past hour, thinking he was an ottoman.

"Yes, my Lord…" He blinked, but his eyelids had their own individual idea of how fast they wanted to move.

"Lucius, I want a drink. Something fruity, with those little umbrellas in em!"

The man in question quickly hurried up the stairs. In the kitchen, all of the house elves looked at their master in shock. They watched as he grabbed a banana and stuffed it into a glass. Proceeding to pour vodka and gin over it, his hand hit his forehead.

"I have no umbrellas, fuck master will be displeased."

This moved something in the elves and they suddenly had a bit of pity with the bastard that had fucked them over from birth. One of them snapped his fingers and a tiny umbrella appeared in the glass.

Overjoyed, Lucius brought the 'masterpiece' to his Lord.

Voldemort was pleased.

"Very good Lucius, especially the umbrella was important."

Holding eye contact with Malfoy, Voldy tried to nab the banana with his mouth. His tongue fluttering at the tip. Lucius made a mental note to punish the elves for turning up the heat in the room.

Meanwhile Voldemort had managed to catch the banana with his lips. Lucius groaned.

"My Lord!"

* * *

_Back in the Hogwarts Great Hall:_

Dinner had to be served in the common rooms. Their teachers, along with McGonagall, had cited technical difficulties for this occurrence. Harry and Hermione knew that Dumbledore was still in the great hall dancing to the music, that had long since stopped.

"How many of these god darn things has he eaten?"

Hermione was looking at the enchanted parchment that overlooked the house tables and showed the head table dead center. Dumbledore was naked, on the table and rubbing his own beard over himself. All while hopping and bopping to the non existent music, as the rest of the teachers had managed to find the wireless hours ago.

Harry slowly released the smoke he had held in and passed the bong to Luna.

"I… don't know...but at least three… I thought he would be less glutenous."

Luna just had taken a massive hit and now asked with a restraint voice.

"What's for dinner?"

* * *

It was a bit later that night, that the pigeons returned from Malfoy Manor. Harry, Hermione, Luna and Neville stopped by the kitchens to grab some snacks and then made their way down to the dungeons.

Once they had gotten settled in Severus' office, he started the memories they had gotten from the birds. The memory cube throwing the image at the far wall. Luckily they had used three and had gotten a good deal of angles to view the action from.

They were laughing like mad men, when Voldy noticed his missing nose, the ensuing search had them in tears. The order for a fruity drink, made them curious what Lucius would come up with. The banana killed it, they were once again hollering.

Then Lucius and Voldemort left the room. The pigeons followed them to the best of their abilities. They were entering the master bedroom…

* * *

Right in front of the dungeon office, the young Slytherin prefect patrolling there jumped, as multiple voices simultaneously screamed from within.

"Fuuuuck!"

"No way!"

"What the…!?"

"Oh… my… fucking… GOD!"

Which was followed up with hearty laughter.

Deciding to ignore his duties tonight, the prefect went right to bed

* * *

_The next morning, Great Hall:_

Albus Dumbledore cracked open his eyes. His mouth was dry, as were his eyes and he was hurting all over. Somewhat unfocused he could make out the Great Hall. Feeling around, he felt the table under him.

With his last bit of strength, he pushed himself into a sitting position. His cloak slid off him, revealing his state of undress. He tried calling for Fawkes, but the phoenix refused to answer. Judging from the light, it was still early. He put on his cloak and tried to sneak upstairs to his office.

* * *

_The next morning, Gryffindor tower, head boy suite:_

Harry woke to a pulling sensation in his lower body. He opened his eyes and came face to face with Luna.

"Good morning my Lord, I'm just warming you up for some early morning exercise."

He turned his head a bit and saw Hermione watching them, while Daphne seemed to be occupied with herself. Grabbing Luna's hair, Hermione pushed her head down and the pulling sensation gained a new dimension. The brown haired witches eyes never left Harry's, while she was biting her lip. Her hand still entangled in Luna's blonde locks.

"Do them Harry, I want to watch." Luna was gagging and choking, but Hermione just applied more pressure. "Waste them Harry, do them hard."

Pulling the blondes head back, Luna gasped for air. Her half lidded eyes rested lovingly on Hermione's. The brunette bend down and caught Luna's slightly outstretched tongue with her own. It was a long hard kiss, before Hermione pushed Luna down again.

Sitting back, Hermione enjoyed the show and kneaded Daphne's breasts.

Harry's mind held a single thought, before it was too preoccupied with pleasure.

"Fuck, I like being the Lord!"

* * *

_The next morning, Malfoy Manor, Master suite:_

Lord Voldemort woke in unfamiliar surroundings. He was a bit bleary eyed and he felt constipated. Very much like he had eaten something that refused to fully pass. Trying to turn, he felt an arm around him.

Had he felt amourous inclinations last night? It wouldn't have been the first time, but he usually held no interest in fornication. Lifting the arm, he turned and was happy that the feeling of constipation quickly passed.

Until he came face to face with Lucius Malfoy, a very much naked Lucius at that.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The scream of the darkest of lords, was heard all throughout the manor and the quite extensive grounds, it was joined only moments later by one from his now 'closest' follower.

This was soon followed up by a serious series of obliviation spells, as well as the most extensive bath a dark lord had ever taken.

* * *

_A little bit later, Gryffindor tower, head boy suite:_

Harry stood at the window overlooking the lake. Behind him, Daphne and Luna were resting a bit. Beside him Hermione sat on a chair.

Having had the best morning in a long time, Harry just watched the ducks on the pond, while munching on a brownie. He was completely relaxed, when one of his random as fuck thoughts reentered his mind unbidden.

Quickly turning to Hermione, he gently slapped her in the face by accident. Looking at him with some amusement in her eyes, she couldn't help a quip.

"Harry! We've talked about this before, I don't mind your junk in my face, I just want to be asked first."

Holding up his hands in a mock calming fashion, Harry grinned at her.

"Sorry, I just thought of something I wanted to ask you."

She nodded for him to go on.

"Are there any potions to make you bigger?"

Hermione's eyes dropped down and continued even lower, until they came to rest just above his knee.

"Harry, I… I do think that your big enough."

Following her gaze, Harry had to laugh.

"No, I meant taller. Are there potions that make you taller?"

Breathing a quiet sigh of relief and hearing a similar sound from the girls on the bed, Hermione quickly nodded.

"Sure there are, let's go to the library!"

* * *

_The Library:_

Ron had been looking for Hermione, for probably the better part of two days now. He desperately needed help with his transfiguration essay, especially since he should have turned it in yesterday. Hoping against hope, he checked the library again.

He found her sitting at a table in a somewhat remote corner of the library. A table she shared with Daphne Greengrass and Luna Lovegood of all people. All three of the girls looked incredibly relaxed. They had scooted to the front of the chair, their legs spread a bit.

"Hermione?"

She looked at him, eyes a bit unfocused.

"Yeah…?"

"I need some help Hermione, I need to do my transfiguration essay."

"Trans...okay, what do… uhhh… you need?"

"I… are you okay? Oh and have you seen Harry anywhere?"

"Me!?...yeah I'm fine...just peachy...Harry?... uhhhhhhh...he's busy, y'know, sooooh busy!"

"Incredibly busy…." Luna echoed.

"Sooohhhh! Busy!" Daphne joined the chorus.

Ron looked at Greengrass, her eyes were crossed and her tongue hung from her mouth. Her breath came in small huffs, still she was smiling.

"You okay, Greengrass, you look a bit feverish."

"I'm...fineaah!"

Her entire body tensed up and then relaxed, she started shaking a bit.

"Anyway, about my essay?"

Hermione's eyes fluttered closed as she answered.

"Mhhh?...Oh yeah… what about it? Wasn't that duhhhhh... today?"

To her right, Luna tensed as well. Eyes crossed, a bit of drool dribbled from the corner of her mouth.

"Uuuuuuuuuuhh!"

Suddenly, her body lost all tension and she fell back in her chair. Luna's eyes had rolled back and she was sporting a goofy grin.

'What the fuck is wrong with them? Maybe it's contagious.'

"Well, never mind Hermione, I'll manage on my own I guess. Bye."

With this Ron hurriedly left the library, while Hermione's eyes crossed as well.

"Bye...Ungh!Oh my god!Please!"

Getting out from under the table, Harry pulled off the invisibility cloak. He looked at the hat-trick he had achieved, before taking the book from Hermione and looking at the potion she had been reading up on.

"This sounds perfect."

Grinning, Hermione pulled Harry into a passionate kiss.

"This'll make you big."

* * *

The next few weeks it was quiet around a certain dark lord. His followers began to worry. He would often stay in his room, in which ever house he decided to stay in. He would take long showers and baths. Sometime he said things that didn't make sense to them.

One particularly bad night, he ordered Narcissa into his room. The Malfoy heiress was confused at first, when he told her to undress. It was even more confusing to her, because two minutes after her bodice had hit the floor, he ordered her to dress and leave.

Sitting alone in the room, Voldemort murmured to himself.

"No, it can't be, I don't…I've never..."

He felt the urgent need to take a shower again.

* * *

Once he felt the water running over him, he felt cleaner already. All these ...unclean… thoughts that had entered his mind after that night in Malfoy Manor.

His hands strayed in the direction of the orifice that had been violated that night. He thought of Lucius and how he had seen him that morning in bed. Heat crept into his body.

It couldn't be…

* * *

Harry looked down at the ritualistic circle Hermione had drawn on the ground.

"Hermione, this doesn't look like in the book at all."

The giant pentagram in the circle made him sweat for some reason. The girl in question had the decency to blush.

"Yeah, we changed the ritual. Ehmm, we found a better one."

She nodded in the direction of Luna and Daphne. Harry was a bit confused.

"All I wanted was to be a bit taller." Harry murmured, as Neville, Susan and Padma Patil entered the small chamber they were using.

"It'll do that too, it's just it will do so much more as well. Look…"

Hermione opened the book she had been holding. "This is a really old ritual, like the founders times really, when lords still...well lorded over their subjects. Back then there was a thing called 'Ius primae noctis'. It basically says that a lord has the right to the first night of his subjects. Or in other words…"

"He gets their virginity." Luna deadpanned.

"Right! So this ritual increases the Lord's health, strength and magic, with every girl that sacrifices her virginity to him."

"Okay, I guess, but what are Neville and Padma doing here?"

"Neville will be our master of ceremonies for this and Padma, well Padma…"

Once again Hermione got stuck and Luna finished for her.

"She was recruited, because we need five initial sacrifices."

"Yeah, but once we complete the initial ritual, it's a permanent thing. Each girl that gifts you her first time from then on will be accompanied by an increase in health, strength and magic."

Harry considered this for a moment, then leaned in close to Neville.

"Hey Nev, your okay with that? I know you have a thing for Susan."

The other boy clapped him on the back. "Harry your our lord, primae noctis and all that. Plus I don't think that you would mind if Luna would take me for a spin."

Harry thought about this and nodded.

"Okay, so how do we do this?"

Usually so sure of herself, Hermione started to stutter a bit, so Luna decided to cut right in again.

"Simple Harry, you'll have to take our virginity, one after the other. You'll start with Hermione at the top of the pentagram and then continue in a clockwise fashion. Each of us has taken a contraceptive potion, as the ritual needs you to leave your semen in us."

Nodding, Harry noticed that Padma was extremely nervous and continually smoothing down the edge of her skirt. He went over to her and held out a brownie.

"You know that you don't have to do this, don't you?"

Padma nodded, a bit hesitant she started chewing on the pastry. She swallowed her first bite and answered.

"I know my lord, but I want you to take my v-virginty. I also want to be your follower and if this helps you, I'll be honored to have been chosen. I-I'm just a bit nervous that it'll hurt and that so many people will be watching us."

Hermione, who had walked up to them, placed a calming hand on Padma's shoulder.

"Don't worry, Harry will be gentle. Also, after we are done, I and the other girls can leave the room. Only Neville will be required to stay and bear witness to the proceedings. That doesn't mean he will be staring at you, however."

She smiled at the caramel skinned beauty before her, knowing that by the time it was her turn, she'd be so high she wouldn't care anymore.

* * *

Three hours later, Harry looked at the satisfied girls surrounding him. Neville, just having spoken the closing words of the ritual, came over to him and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"Damn Harry, you're like a machine."

Said machine didn't even look tired or strained (or milked dry like he should). In fact he even stood a couple of inches taller and had lost the glasses.

"Not at all hard if you get energy, rather than spend it. I also feel completely charged, like I could give Merlin a run for his money."

He lifted his hand and obliterated a small table with the merest of thoughts. Trying again he wandlessly conjured an armchair.

"Class is going to be fun from now on."

From the ground, five sets of eyes were watching him hungrily. He grinned broadly.

"Who's up for round two?"

* * *

Lucius Malfoy carefully entered the chambers of his lord.

"My Lord?"

He closed the door silently and turned, only to be surprised by Voldemort's sudden appearance. Lucius couldn't even give a startled scream, as the Dark Lord caught his lips with his own.

It was a heated kiss, full of passion and longing. Lucius at first tried to fight it, it wasn't proper for them to be doing this, but finally he melted into the arms of his lord and seducer.

Voldemort quickly ended the kiss and spun away from his closest follower.

"MY Lord!?"

Suddenly, Lucius was met with the glowing tip of a wand.

"Obliviate!"

Voldemort was rapidly shaking his head, his eyes locked on the bruised lips of Lucius. He quickly made his way to the bathroom. He needed to clean himself. Fast.

* * *

Roughly at the same time, a hundred owls over diagon alley dropped their payload. It was a picture, blown to the size of a small poster. It was wizarding in origin and depicted a small scene. In this way, everybody in the wizarding shopping district got to see Lord Voldemort being sodomized by Lucius Malfoy.

Amelia Bones, who had been enjoying a coffee break that particular afternoon, dropped her monocle right into her cup. Augusta Longbottom fainted in the middle of the street. Severus Snape, who had run an errand, shocked everyone standing by with loud laughter.

Ollivander thought that Lucius had finally learned how to use a wand. The Goblins made the image their official christmas card for that year. The bank had to close for the day because every goblin was too busy laughing to conduct business.

Dumbledore would later mourn that Tom had turned to the dark side, oh the magic he could have taught the boy.

* * *

In a castle in Scotland a teenage boy was having a very merry evening, without wasting a thought to the chaos his plan had caused in the wizarding world. Actually it was even more than merry, since the girls had had the forethought to recruit even more girls for Harry's following.

He now counted Padma's twin Pavarti, Lavender Brown, Tracey Davis, Mandy Brocklehurst, Lisa Turpin, Hannah Abott, as well as Megan Jones and Isobel McDougal to his followers. According to them, a couple of the boys had joined him as well, but they hadn't been invited to this special party.


End file.
